can't get started...

i've been wanting to post for awhile now. i've even sat down at the computer and opened up a new post page just to stare at its blankness. my head and my heart are so jumbled up right now that i just can't seem to make out any coherent thought worthy of the blogosphere. certain things seem too personal to write while others too cliche. how do i come up with something telling of the greater human experience, something relatable, from this bland existence in which i currently reside?

for the first time in my life, i am living alone. the house is quiet 100% of the time, save for the occasional traffic sounds or the muffled cries from the newborn living upstairs. i come home from work and putz around the house realizing how valuable it is to have someone who asks how my day was. i rescued a pitt bull puppy this week and so spend much of my time with her. we play ball and learn basic obedience and take walks and nap on the couch. through all of this i can't stop myself from worrying that i won't be a good owner. my little eloise came to me a blank slate, ready to be taught the ways of obedience, ready to be given a full and fruitful life. what if i mess it up? what if she doesn't get enough exercise, or if she spends too much time alone, or if my training techniques aren't productive? what kind of dog will she be in 5 years? what kind of life will i lead in 5 years? recently i've begun to wonder if she would be better off with someone else... not because of a lack of love and attention on my part, but simply because experience has shown me that if given a choice, people tend to choose someone else.

i have been overwhelmed with life these past few weeks. overwhelmed with giant floods of emotion every 10 minutes, overwhelmed with life's expectations of me- wondering if i can handle it on my own day to day. i wonder often if my finances will hold up, if i'll ever stop chasing my oversights, mistakes, overdrafts and start making headway. i wonder if i'll ever have a time in my life that i can buy something- anything- without planning 3 months in advance, or else without worrying how it fits in my budget.

i wonder when i'll ever have the time and energy again to care about my appearance or social life or basic hygiene. i went a full week last week without a shower simply because i could not find the time. any and all free time was spent with eloise, playing or napping or cleaning up the occasional accident. i haven't been able to justify leaving her alone when i don't have to- even now she is curled up in my lap for one of her regular puppy naps, but the second i move she will wake up lonely. she just wants to be near someone with the warmth of life and the pulse of a heartbeat and quite frankly, i can't blame her. what i would give for

and i wonder if my tear ducts will ever run dry. it's a wild phenomenon that they don't. after months of heartache, it's amazing that there is still enough moisture left to cause sudden downpours of emotion. i wish i could move forward a year to when i no longer feel this. i long for the ability to shut off all pain. it seems though that shutting off pain also requires that one shuts off joy, or rather shuts of the ability to feel anything, and i can't seem to do that. just when i try, eloise will try and stuff her entire hind leg in her mouth at once... damn dog is spoiling my melancholy :)

so that's that. head swirling, heart racing, natural instincts wishing i could just lay in bed 'til all this is done but constant brain activity keeping me from any actual sleep.