frustration with the game

i've been dating every since i was 9 years old and michael villasenor gave me a heart shaped stuffed pillow he won at the elementary school carnival. we went out for approximately two summers and one school year before junior high started and we began to grow apart. that's eighteen years of dating under my belt. one would think i would understand how the game is played by now.

but i don't, precisely because it's a lousy game with few defined rules and in my opinion, even fewer winners.

one things i've learned is that the dating game consists of certain do's and don'ts, which are vital to the success or failure of any budding couple. for instance: do laugh at their jokes but don't let on that you're interested in them; do act confident in who you are but don't expose the parts of you that remain insecure; do let your guard down enough to establish a connection but don't let it down so far that you find you have something to lose. this may sound cynical and jaded to the unexperienced dater, but 18 plus years serve as proof.

there appears to be little or no place in the dating world for honesty. one is expected to meet someone and try to decipher what kind of person they are by spending time with them, but honest conversation about feelings and intentions seem to hold no weight; it's over exposing oneself to express openly how one feels about one another. sure, couples say things like "you're special" and "i love you" and "i wish we could be together forever," but conversations about confusion and questions are left out of the mix. as though it's acceptable to express positive emotion but inappropriate to discuss doubt or frustration. as soon as uncertainty creeps into view, person A feels the sole weight of that burden and decides the relationship is only his or hers to cultivate.

as i've said earlier: i've dated a lot over the last 18 years. there was the elementary school crush that was expelled from school and transferred, the nice high school boy from church that wouldn't take my top off even though he really wanted to, the nice high school boy from church that did take my top off but felt really guilty about it afterwards, the boy from the other side of the world that lived in the moment and felt life intensely, the outdoorsy college boy who couldn't make up his mind, the urban biker that wanted so much to be something he didn't really understand and the sweet musician from work with little experience in real love. from all this, it seems to me that it doesn't matter who the person is, or what their background or general goals in life may be... they are either all capable of dishonesty or all able to change their minds at a moment's notice. it seems that they were either honest in their many and varied pledges of love and devotion, or honest in the uniform way they became disinterested and fled.

i have a theory. i've been mulling it over for a little while now, because it seems to be to be too gender specific and therefore too sexist to be actually true. however, i have yet to encounter something to challenge my theory, so please- correct me if i am wrong. give me stories and examples of why my theory cannot hold true- because i really do hope that i am wrong. but once again, 18 years of experience has shown me otherwise... my theory is this: men in general experience a strong attachment up front and early on in the relationship, while women will remain indifferent for the beginning stages and only become attached after some time and energy has been put into place. my theory began because of this:

i have a pitt bull puppy named eloise. she is now 8 months old and currently joins me in living with my sister and her husband. when we first moved in, nearly 5 months ago, my brother-in-law was over the moon about eloise. he was amazed with her in almost every capacity and couldn't seem to get enough time with her. pets and games were plentiful between the two of them, while my sister kept eloise at an arms length. don't get me wrong, my sister was glad to have us both around, but sarah noticed eloise' less than desirable traits first: how she chewed up prized possessions, or occasionally peed on the carpeting, or how she had loads of energy at all the wrong times. but as time passed, sarah confessed that she loved eloise more and more. she appreciated her significantly more for her affection and general "fun-ness" until those less than desirable traits faded into the background. my brother-in-law however, lessened in excitement as months passed. he began to feel the strain of how much work raising a puppy can be and while he still loves her very much, is also more attuned to the ways in which eloise can be a handful to care for.

this ridiculous analogy rings true with my relationship experience. more often than not, i am indifferent at the onset of a dating relationship. i enjoy myself but i am far from investing much stock in the other person. my previous boyfriends, however, have been like jason and eloise during those beginning stages; they've expressed deep feeling and excitement early on, paying extra special attention and making promises they couldn't keep. i in turn, let my guard down just enough to match where they were at- i allowed myself to get excited and share in the infatuation, only to find myself left behind. he moved on quickly, growing less infatuated by the hour and saying things like "you've changed" or "why aren't you as independent as you once were?" my answer to that question is this: because i didn't give a damn about you before- that independence you were picking up on was actually indifference.

so is there a place in the dating world for honesty? and how long does it take for a relationship to foster it? 2 years didn't seem to cut it for the urban biker, neither did 3 years of letter writing for the heartsick romantic across the world. i'm told marriage offers the level of commitment where honesty is allowed and cultivated, but i've also seen marriages end poorly- minds are changed and people give up trying. what's the difference between telling some one on a park bench somewhere that you're going to love them forever and telling them in a courthouse or in front of family and friends? it seems possible that such honesty is always subject to change depending on mood or situation.

i admit that sometimes i am too honest. i am an over-sharer... i like to discuss things to death to make sure i really understand them. i also have a need to be reminded on a semi-regular basis that i am loved and cared for- this i attribute either to my affectionate parents that told me multiple times a day how special i was, or to the many boy friends that said 'i love you' one day and 'i've changed my mind' the next... or maybe a mixture of both. i think that relationships should be built upon conversation and openness and that if a person can't properly express how they feel to the one person they spend more time and energy on, then what's the point? we fake politeness and aptitude and friendliness all day long with every random person we encounter. if we can't come home from a long day and say 'this is how i feel really' to that someone waiting up for you, then how well do you even know each other?

change brings pimples

it's getting to be that time again. the time when things start to change, when the future looms ahead unknown, when my face breaks out in anxiety. i'm facing yet another move and with it, another set of decisions i cannot seem to make.

for the past four and a half months i have been living with my sister and brother-in-law in their rather small 2 bedroom apartment. they recognized this as an uncertain time in my life and offered me practically free rent for a few months until i was able to get on my own two feet again. they have been wonderful. they have given me a place to stay, helped me raise and care for my puppy, given me family and community when i needed it most... but it's time to move on. this temporary situation has run its course and now it is time for me to be on my own once again.

a lot of me is excited by this move, by the prospect of having my own place. i've never lived alone before- minus the month i spent in minnesota after carl left... so i'm excited to decorate and play loud music and walk around naked. but change also brings introspection for me. i begin to question yet again what it is that i'm doing with my life and what it is that i would like to be doing...?

things i do know:

i want a house. i want an old run down house in some relatively urban area with a fenced in yard and lots of windows and creaky wooden floors and old radiators. i want to be in that house for years and years- whether i own it or not, i'd like it to feel somewhat permanent. i'm tired of moving and thinking about moving and re-establishing a life every few months. i want to dig in the earth and plant some serious roots.

and i want a garden with real crops so i can learn to can vegetables and dry flowers for tea and prune fruit trees and build trellises. there should be chickens wandering the yard, mingling with a tall runner duck or two and someday maybe a milking goat with long ears and a beard. i'd like to conquer my fear of bees by keeping some and gathering their honey.

what's more, i want to share my life with someone. i can survive a lot of things alone out of necessity- but one thing i've learned about myself is that i'm built to go through life in a pair. i work much better as part of a unit and i enjoy my experiences all the more when there's someone there to share them with. i want to garden along side a companion, to stay up late laughing at the tv and share ice cream with, to learn things from and teach things to. i want a partner for my life.

so now that the move is once again upon me, i question... 'where do i begin?' and 'what am i waiting for?' i don't have any financial means for securing a house like the one i described, so i've been making do with renting year to year. but i should really just pick a place and stay, i have trouble deciding where to pick though. places i know i do not want to spend many years would include, the chicago suburbs- where i am located currently, due to their over-homogenization and ridiculous prices; minneapolis- where i was before, due to it's long and grueling winters which causes gardening to be short-lived and biking to be somewhat impossible half the year; downtown chicago- i suppose should be included only because houses are rare in a city of that size and prices again would be astronomical, plus there is very little greenery to be enjoyed that's not fake or human-cultivated.

so that leaves warmer climates to be explored, which directly implies the moving away again from family and old friends.

when should such a drastic change happen? and am i strong enough to make it on my own? how do i know when to stay and invest in relationships already formed and when to go in search of newness?

i should also practice my gardening skills, learn more farming techniques and the art of raising chickens. i should continue to write and maybe take a business class or if nothing else, an auto mechanics class to keep progressing toward future goals. i should spend my days off being productive with my time and my future. i should, but i find it hard to get motivated when future liz seems so far off.

on a completely different note, i've decided that this is not the best time in life to be cultivating a new relationship. there are so many stresses and life pressures weighing in on my every decision, stresses and pressures that unfortunately get transfered to him (and vice versa), causing one of two things... either we live in a dream world where real life decisions don't need to be made and we never actually progress forward in our endeavors, or we put pressure on each other to be more than what we are to one another and jump too quickly into something we may not be ready for in the long run. i've done both those things before- neither way ends well. but what are 20-somethings supposed to do with their love lives then? ignore them until all of life's situations get worked out? or date and hope the other person wants to live life like you do?

what i wouldn't give to be 30 and know a little more about how to do life.