this soul's craving

what is it about close friends that makes my soul leap forward with excitement and hope and life one minute of the day and then almost immediately after, pull all those emotions inward- barricading itself against loss and loneliness and pain?

this week has been a social roller coaster (if that term can ever be used in a respectable manner... all cheesiness aside).  i spent the first part of it here in chicago, learning what it means for me to actually be friends with my co-workers.  i did my best to say yes to each and every invitation to hang out when i wasn't at work, causing me to loose much sleep in the process, but ending with me staring around the room at Kae's during a random "after work" gathering and thinking -both to myself and out loud... (and we can thank the monsterously large wine glass for the out loud part)- thinking how these people are no longer just the hodgepodge of characters i spend hours with stocking shelves and teasing customers behind their backs... these people are my friends- honest to goodness friends that i look forward to hanging out with, friends i can see myself calling mid-day to talk about life outside of hawaiian shirts and three bells.  it only took 8 months but they finally cracked through my ruddy exterior and quiet demeanor. (nice job guys!)

sidenote: 8 months may seem like a rather long time for those of you that don't know me well, so let me give a brief explanation.  i'm quiet around people i don't know- awkward always- constantly in my head, questioning whether the sarcasm i just showed was picked up on or whether i'll be the topic of conversation in the breakroom for my lack of social skills .  i also function almost always at a different level than the norm.  that's not to come across as elitest or stuck up... but the truth is, i'm always thinking and always self-aware, therefore, in order for me to feel an actual connection with someone, they need to show that they think too and that sometimes they think about what makes them who they are.  (in philosophic terms, we refer to this as the Self).  because i'm like this, i could very easily have regular conversation with a person for years on end without actually considering them a friend- to me, friendship needs to happen at that deeper, soul-level, where Self meets Self.

all that to say that last week (with the assistance of our monthly wine tasting at work) i finally felt comfortable with my co-worker friends.  i felt free to be myself and confident that they would like it.  they did.  my Self was exposed.

immediately following the whirlwind week of socializing with new friends, i took a trip up to minneapolis to visit with some of the people i consider most like home.  the interconnectedness i felt with these people as we hugged or laughed, talked or danced was unreal.  my heart leapt in excitement- life pumping through my veins.  i was and still am completely myself with these beautiful friends- i'm myself and i'm loved deeply.

but so much socializing has made me question... how can i open myself up to many different people at once?  how can i willingly befriend this group of co-workers when i already see my time here drawing to a close?  i've been successful thus far in keeping my distance- being friendly enough without actually letting people in.  life has taught me that as soon as people are let in something happens- jobs happen, atlantic oceans happen, boyfriends happen- and they're almost immediately removed, leaving me in a vulnerable and lonely state.  i can understand logically why this happens: at this age in life, we have no permanent ties to anything and therefore feel free to attach ourselves to jobs or internships which will take us across the world- we prefer one city to another- we follow family or a boy or girlfriend who is most likely attached to his or her job or internship.  it makes sense when you think about how the world works... but it doesn't make sense in terms of our souls' state.  we should be clinging to these people that make us feel normal and beloved.  we should spend time cultivating relationships not just with whoever is thrown in your path but also with the people you spent the last few years learning how to pee in front of.  

and so, returning to chicago has proved to be a rather sober event.  not just because i miss my minnesota friends and wish for more time with them.  it's been sober because it's caused me to question my attachment to these new friends here... how can i leave this life that's taken me so long to finally begin?  what are the chances i'll ever even see these people after i quit and move in a few weeks?  what's the point in continuing to let them in if i know in a short while they'll remain as small holes in my heart?

i joke about starting a commune with all my closest friends so that we can live together, support each other, help each other with large life events that come our way... i joke about it because deep down i feel it's the only place i'll finally be able to breathe free- put down roots- embrace the terror of commitment.  in my mind, communes can be seen as secluding themselves from the larger society (which isn't all that bad sometimes), or they can be seen as embracing community-togetherness-tough and unconditional love.  my soul craves the latter.  my soul longs to be able to love without hesitation, to show itself fully and be known by others.  i crave all the life that friendship brings without any of the pain.  maybe that's unrealistic- especially in this quarter-life phase, but i crave it nonetheless.  

not me

i've spent a considerable amount of time searching for good blogs to subscribe to and have come across a trend in bloggers of varied demographics... it's the "i'm going to blog about how i should blog more often" syndrome and i refuse to be apart of it.  not only are these blogs not interesting to read, but they make known the pathetic nature of a person unable to discipline themselves over and over again in one select area of their life.  

with that said, i am not going to apologize to my one or two readers for failing to follow through on my "i'll post every day this week" promise.  and i will not offer any justification for why i failed.  i will, however, refrain from making similar promises in the future so as to avoid these somewhat awkward and unnecessary explanations.

tip-toe-like steps

in an attempt to bring myself out of this current state of "post-graduation stupidity" i have spent the last week trying to focus more attention on my dedication and follow-through abilities.  it seems that without the presence of a professor, or more accurately- a transcript, i don't have much success completing the things i set out to do (or want to learn to do).  and i'm pretty sure its because of this lack of motivation and initiative that i'm wallowing in all things simplistic.  

these very small steps toward full-humanity are as follows:

1.  i spent saturday afternoon reclaiming my deck from the hazardous remains of winter.  i repotted most of my plants, swept, brought out the deck chairs, re-situated my plants to afford best light to all, dusted down old tv-stand-turned-coffee-table, and hung my green swag lamp back on it's hook.

2.  i started shane claiborne's new(-er) book Jesus for President.  i have to admit, that i kinda forced myself to start this one.  there's something about fame and popularity that truly repels me- as soon as something or someone becomes widely known and appreciated, i'm no longer interested.  so even though i really liked shane's first book, his cult-like following and widespread speaking tour has made me uninterested to hear anything else he has to say.  also, this would be the first blatantly christian book i've read in months and i wasn't all that excited to get trapped back into the jargon and subtle mind-games i've been successfully avoiding.  and finally, part of me has been avoiding this book because most of my reading is done in public places and even though i've been taught to evangelize to those around me- i just can't see myself whipping out jesus for president while riding the bus or in the breakroom at work.  

the book has been a pleasant surprise, however... that's why i'm including it in this list of positive steps taken.  shane's interpretation of the bible and politics is as radical as ever and i find it refreshing to imagine another sort of faith and another sort of God.  it's also helping ease me back into the global community- reminding me why it's good to consume less and share more- giving validation to the parts of my life that are backwards and upside-down and inside-out.  and if nothing else, the book it just plain pretty.  if you haven't already seen it, it has drawings and photos and cut-n-paste art all over each page-notes are scribbled in sideways and images of plants take over the binding.  it makes me happy just to look at... and i make sure to hide the cover when in public.

3.  i've started a novel... writing one, that is.  with my lack of follow-through, i have no idea whether this will ever get finished.  but i hope it does.  my sister is helping to write a script for a movie she's working on and has gotten in the habit of calling me so we can talk things out and decide on the most appropriate dialogue and how to convey proper character development etc etc.  well, analyzing characters and organizing plot lines has got me daydreaming up stories of my own and creating mini scenarios and plots and dialogue.  (sidenote: as it turns out... all that smutty teen-drama tv i've been watching has paid off in that now i know what NOT to do).  more on this to come, so far it's still all in my head and needs to be organized and then written... i also need to consider which age-group i'm aiming this at- it seems teen requires certain restrictions while adult seems overly sexualized... any suggestions?

4.  i made myself a collapsable-hoop so that my hooping-practice will no longer be limited by location.  similarly, i've successfully broken onto my apartment's rooftop and have plans to convert it into liz's hooping arena as it has plenty of space, a nice view, and few onlookers (excepting the periodic L train full of passengers..)

thank you to all of you that responded with ideas on what to read and watch...(namely ally and becca :o) i will definitely take those suggestions.  (sidenote: becca, what's that book you lent kansas city michael that you love so much? i've been daydreaming about it for months, imagining it could give me the kind of spiritual hug your amma is known for).

my list is still quite long, but progress always frees up more space to add something new... like how to make my own clothing patterns so i can stop giving vogue all my money.  i've also re-added blogging toward the top of the list.  i'm a bit fearful that this too may fade to the background and be forgotten or over-looked... my brief absence recently could be a foreshadowing.  so to keep that from happening, i'm going to attempt the un-thinkable.  blog every day this week... even if i don't have anything brilliant or witty to say... so bear with me- and if you're out there and want to drop me an encouraging "someone's actually reading this" comment... it'd be greatly appreciated :o)

final note:  i've been meaning to tell you about this woman who comes into work that we call the banana lady.  but it's late and i don't have much energy to go into detail about who she is or why we unashamedly label her with the banana lady title, but i thought i should mention that we've (her and i) have started to establish a sort of friendship as of late.  she smiles at me when we see each other in the store and something in her eyes lets me believe we have a secret bond that none of my other co-workers are aware of.  ...so crazy banana lady, if you're out there and reading this... hello, and i'm glad you come to work multiple times in the same day to purchase obscene amounts of bananas (and only bananas), and i'm glad that you do silly things like walk around the store with a banana on your head or bring in obscure "banana-containers" to carefully transport your prized purchase back home.  you make my day and i'm glad that people like you exist.