i was asked today to describe something good that's happened to me recently and i immediately thought of how i was once again living here in minneapolis, amidst close friends, amidst familiarity. the more i divulged however, the more i began talking about difficulties and differences and struggles i face. it's like, in one way i am at home in this great city, at home in the people and places, at home in the feel and size and smell. in other ways though, i'm not at home in myself. the last time i lived here, i knew who i was and what i was doing and pursued certain values and lifestyles. while talking today, i realized that i was in such a rush to get back here, not necessarily so i could hang out in all the familiar spots and ride down these same roads, but so i could once again be that confident young woman living on the corner of chicago and lake. i wanted to believe in things strongly again, to support community and development and grassroots efforts. i wanted to live on next to nothing and be content, to drink tea while having long conversations deep into the night about life and love and purpose. i wanted to re-experience my life before, to try and tap back into those things that felt so comfortable and natural, to shape my life again into what it was the last time i lived here. but i haven't. not yet. not yet.
i've been sad the past few days. sad because i haven't felt like i had much of a purpose, like i had very little usefulness in what i could do or things i did. i'm not sure if that makes any sense, maybe i've taken too many philosophy classes and now i have this overwhelming urge to establish my Self (capital S)... but i felt sad nonetheless... alienated as Marx would say from the work of my hands, from the whole and complete process of creating.
but the wallowing time is done. proactive liz is ready and willing to make positive steps forward- to single out what was so influential about my life then and try to implement it into my life now. being in mpls helps keep things familiar, i know the city and its resources and many of its people... but it's only a part. i need to be intentional about seeking out the rest. step one for me is, as it has always been, to make a list.
my list of important activities that i will try and figure out how to pursue more actively is as follows:
1. blog blog blog... 'nuf said
2. climb at midwest: participate in classes, go solo or with carl at least once a week
3. read something. anything. something other than the onion, crosswords, sudoku... find an actual book and read cover to cover, no stopping mid way to switch books (as i have switched nearly 10 times this last year)
4. sew more. patch clothes that need patching, create clothes that have been waiting to be created these past 23 years and are collecting mothballs in the back of my closet.
5. compost. winter compost is not best for beginning, but it can be done. get garbage can to compost in and start with fall leaves and overwhelming amount of coffee grounds.
6. keep biking to work through winter. bus is okay but only if reading or on the phone with family member- but try to bike at least half of the commutes each week.
7. be more intentional about contact with family, friends, etc- use facebook! call each family member at least once a week to check in. just suck it up and do it. i enjoy it when it's done, it's just hard to get going.
8. hoop. basement is good winter location, hoop a few times a week, with music, alone if necessary, just dance and let loose and have fun. no tricks necessary.
9. practice more kiswahili. bit ambitious here, but we'll throw it in just for fun.
gol. seems i should find myself a task-master to ensure these very positive steps get taken... anyone looking for a job where they nicely yet firmly force someone to do something they already want to do but just simply cant find the motivation for? let me know if you are... appears there's a job opening.
