writing exercise 1: moccasin-like faith
i've heard one's spiritual journey likened to many things in my day. things like a journey or pilgrimage come to mind, or even the budding of a small seedling and the blossoming of a flower. i have not, however, ever come across anyone who referred to their spiritual life as the breaking in and wearing out of a favorite pair of shoes, that is of course until elizabeth andrews.
i have a pair of moccasins that i've worn nearly every day for the past four years. they're originally light tan in color with a sort of ballet-flat-meets-mary-jane style to them and topped off with just the right touch of fringe on the toe. i found them at a random department store one day while doing some more important shopping with mom, probably christmas or birthday shopping seeing as we rarely go to the mall without a necessary purpose. i was trying on a pair of old-man slippers, the kind that are of moccasin design with fur-lining and intended for indoor use only, when the kind saleslady, surely appalled at my choice, brought me this pair of trendy and obviously more appropriate Arizona brand moccasins- with soles and everything! i tried them on but was hesitant at their obvious trend-appeal... they were so new and girly. "just give them a few weeks," mom said sensing my disapproval... "they'll wear in."
and they did. those shoes marked a significant turning point in my shoe-buying career. once a girl with a closet full of shoes for every and any occasion, i found this single pair useful for just about all of them. i donated all my old kicks and was thrilled at the freedom having one pair of shoes gave me. no more deliberating on what pair to wear, or selecting an outfit based on what shoes were most fitting for the day. hell no! these shoes were fit for all occasions, such as going to class, running downstairs to check the mail, trekking to the supermarket clad in sweatpants, or dressing up for the occasional fancy dinner. i began wondering why a person ever needed multiple pairs of shoes anyway when having one was more than enough.
besides, these shoes were comfortable! the ever-wear and tear of these once trendy moccasins helped form them to the exact shape of my foot. slipping them on was like finding my foot's true and obvious home. worn in the summer, they kept my feet cool with their open top and light-weight, while worn in winter, they allowed for the additional 3 pairs of wool socks and leg-warmers. i found myself wearing these same shoes on long hikes across rocky terrain with no problem and yet i had no desire to remove them once inside comfortable on the couch.. they were and had become, an extension of my own, natural feet.
but as with any comfort. there comes a time when one begins to wonder what else is out there. passing a shoe store, i couldn't help but glance at all the fancy styles and colors i was missing out on: high heels in classy bronze, shimmery-sequenced ballet flats, mustard yellow mary-janes... the excitement i could have in those! looking at the shoes i would never own was fun in a way, but always ended with me gazing back at my familiar and well-worn, darkened-tan, fringed toes and smiling at my own contentment.
my moccasins lasted me just over four years before the souls started rubbing down, exposing a single large toe on each foot. i tried in vain to cover the hole- i even took a friends advice and melted the rubber of an old bike-tire into the hole, filing it down for aesthetic purposes. but nothing worked... i knew this $19.50 pair of shoes had walked their last mile.
but where to now? i scoured the internet for arizona brand moccasins but came up empty handed. shame that moccasins were so trendy for so long- seems everyone and their mom makes a pair, pointy-toed and embellished with flowers and beads. nothing seemed to fit. not even the $10 pair of rocket dogs i impulsively picked up at a famous footwear in iowa. (sidenote: rocket dog had previously been a reliable shoe company since they catered to the wide-footed, round-toed crowd i identified with).
my sister suggested minnetonka moccasins, a leather moccasin provider found at the I-80 truck stop of all places. so one saturday afternoon, my mom, sister and i all took a drive out to one of the largest truck stops in the country to hunt for my moccasin replacement, and *surprise* we ended up coming home with three pair! one for me, one for mom, and one for my boyfriend carl (since i couldn't have a boyfriend that didn't know the magic of moccasins).
this new pair began a bit snug; they were darker in color, the fringe more obvious and the soles more noticeable. when i looked down on them, they didn't look like my own feet for quite some time. but i trusted that they would begin to wear. soon enough, their color was more faded and dirt-covered, their soles wore down, and they too began to mold to my feet. in an attempt to make them last a bit longer than the last pair, i've also invested in a cheap pair of boots for the winter- comfortable enough that i'll actually wear them come snow- but not so comfortable that i'll sneak my moccasins out for dry-ish winter days.
as i remember this long history i've had with my moccasins, i can't help but think how fitting it is as a tool to describe my own spiritual journey. born into the church, i accepted my spirituality without knowing how unique and special it was. at first, i was ever aware of it's presence, but after awhile, my spiritual life seemed a constant companion. i grew into it in all the right ways; fit snug into it's warmth and comfort. it got to where i didn't even need to think about my spiritual life at all, it was reliable and ever-present- fitting with whatever circumstance i faced. when life was good, my faith in god was to thank, and when life turned hard, my faith was there to pull me through.
but like a well-worn pairs of shoes, one's spiritual journey requires alterations if it's going to remain vibrant and useful. i had tried every way i knew to keep my faith the same, to ignore the holes and the disappointments, to patch and alter and press on... but eventually, i was ready to begin searching for something new.
i knew myself well enough to see that i wasn't in need of a new faith; it wasn't the basics that had let me down, but rather the constant wear and tear of the old. i wasn't searching for a drastic change of spiritual life, just an update on a previous model- something made with richer and more hearty materials that could stand up to my questions and challenges.
and like the new pair of moccasins, the first fit was questionable. was it right to change? i felt self-conscious of all its newness. was i still unique if others were seen with the same thing i had?
but time has take it's toll. i've begun to ease into my self and my spirituality. the promise of comfort and security continues to press me forward and a hope for longer wear and tear has made me both a bit cautious as well as excited. shoes unfortunately take a lot less time to break in, however. but it's comforting to know that as promised, they feel good... like my foot's true home.
