there's a line in "under the tuscan sun" where diane lane says the biggest surprise after a divorce is that it doesn't actually kill you; the world continues on just as the day before and the day before that, and yet, you feel shell-shocked... hallow inside, like your jaw has just dropped to the floor and you want to scream and cry and curl up in bed for the rest of your life. how is one supposed to carry on?
i haven't just gone through a terrible divorce, no. my experience doesn't even come close to the depth of that kind of pain. but in my young life of 25, breaking up with a long-term, live-in boyfriend is the closest i have, and because of it i've glimpsed what diane lane was referencing.
i awoke the other morning (the morning after... ugh) and was shocked to hear the rain throbbing against my roof. what's more is that traffic continued to stream outside in the street, birds chirped from their sheltered nests, the mail was delivered, and i was expected to dress and make my way to work. i lay there in my now lonely bed thinking to myself, "how is it possible for the world to just continue on like this?' ... especially when my world had just come crashing down around me.
but the world has continued to turn. it's only been 2 days and already life seems to have carried on much like before. i have been to work; i have managed to forget or deny my own reality enough to casually interact with co-workers and customers; i have refocused my plans for myself and my future- reminding myself again and again the things that I want, the things i've been too timid to pursue in the past; and i've socialized outside of work, spending time with co-workers and friends that i normally would have ditched out on for the comforts of home.
but only 2 days in and i'm already tired.
i can remember a time when independence was like a badge of honor for me. i was proud of my singleness, of my ability to live on my own and depend on only myself. i was overwhelmed with excitement at the vastness that was my future- desiring to take off and live in a different city every week, experiencing life at its fullest. even the thought of a long-term boyfriend seemed binding, constricting, boring.
but having carl turned out to be like wearing a pair of comfortable sweat-pants. i was able to breathe for the first time in a long time. i was safe and cozy knowing i didn't have to try so hard all the time, even just to impress myself. it was okay to want to come home after work because i knew there was something great waiting for me with dinner and a tv show. and that makes it even harder now to imagine squeezing back into those metaphorical skinny jeans that promise independence and self-sufficiency. i've learned that i not only appreciate but that i am built for the comfort found in partnership. i yearn for the familiar and desire some sort of stability. does that make me boring? old? conservative?
it's only been 2 days and already i'm tired of loneliness: of checking to make sure all the doors and windows are locked before bed, of not having that someone to check in with at all hours of the day or night, of returning to a quiet home with no lights on and no one waiting up for me. i'm tired of sleeping in this damn bed alone and desperately long for that snoring lump of a man beside me.
tv and movies seem the best distraction from my frenzied mind during this time... and so i turn to diane lane and her spontaneous trip to tuscany that gave her an exciting rebirth. she managed to find the strength not only to forge her way onward again, but was able to find happiness in her situation and to rest in the companionship of friends and family.
lord, that i may have such strength yet again.
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