dog whispering

the day went like this...

work was early, way too early. eloise whined and whined as i left making it even harder to leave. tears in the car on the way to the shop. then, minor chaos as i felt i was single-handedly baking off double the amount of bagels, prepping alone that which usually takes two (sometimes three), helping out up front due to a busy first day of school in edina, and staying an hour later than scheduled thinking over and over how much eloise was in need of a walk.

traffic home was offensive, people cutting in and out and slowing down and seemingly had no regard for my little saturn. rent was dropped off late, construction delayed my home return, eloise had wet her crate and my feet were tired.

the two of us played in the garden, keeping up on one of my many forgotten hobbies. she dug up an onion and was thrilled at it's unexpected spice and oblong shape, causing it to roll this unexpected way and that. on our walk she found herself a dead bird. it was completely consumed before i recognized that feathers are not grass clumps. please don't get sick little girl!

more errand running in the car with a sleepy puppy in tow, and then some good ol' quality couch time just us girls. napping in my lap was nice and comforting. is it bad that i like her best when she's sleepy?

unexpected phone calls change my mood. or rather, long-awaited and significantly too short phone calls change my mood. i decide to tell the only face in the room all about it. eloise stretched out on the couch in a half-sleep, half-awake sort of daze, liz positioning herself nose to nose and vocally recounting her day's experiences. this prompts a little bleary-eyedness, which i soon halt since the dog to whom i'm talking requires yet another romp outside. roommate turned canine in 60 seconds or less.

on the agenda for tonight: put on something upbeat and motivating, mental note to create a 'pump me up mix' for just such occasions. dinner for the pup. cook real food for myself for the first time in weeks, making sure to prepare enough for later when this determination fades. spend some quality time re-organizing my living room, which has been a shambles since half its contents were recently removed.

i realize my own pathetic state but thats how life goes sometimes.

can't get started...

i've been wanting to post for awhile now. i've even sat down at the computer and opened up a new post page just to stare at its blankness. my head and my heart are so jumbled up right now that i just can't seem to make out any coherent thought worthy of the blogosphere. certain things seem too personal to write while others too cliche. how do i come up with something telling of the greater human experience, something relatable, from this bland existence in which i currently reside?

for the first time in my life, i am living alone. the house is quiet 100% of the time, save for the occasional traffic sounds or the muffled cries from the newborn living upstairs. i come home from work and putz around the house realizing how valuable it is to have someone who asks how my day was. i rescued a pitt bull puppy this week and so spend much of my time with her. we play ball and learn basic obedience and take walks and nap on the couch. through all of this i can't stop myself from worrying that i won't be a good owner. my little eloise came to me a blank slate, ready to be taught the ways of obedience, ready to be given a full and fruitful life. what if i mess it up? what if she doesn't get enough exercise, or if she spends too much time alone, or if my training techniques aren't productive? what kind of dog will she be in 5 years? what kind of life will i lead in 5 years? recently i've begun to wonder if she would be better off with someone else... not because of a lack of love and attention on my part, but simply because experience has shown me that if given a choice, people tend to choose someone else.

i have been overwhelmed with life these past few weeks. overwhelmed with giant floods of emotion every 10 minutes, overwhelmed with life's expectations of me- wondering if i can handle it on my own day to day. i wonder often if my finances will hold up, if i'll ever stop chasing my oversights, mistakes, overdrafts and start making headway. i wonder if i'll ever have a time in my life that i can buy something- anything- without planning 3 months in advance, or else without worrying how it fits in my budget.

i wonder when i'll ever have the time and energy again to care about my appearance or social life or basic hygiene. i went a full week last week without a shower simply because i could not find the time. any and all free time was spent with eloise, playing or napping or cleaning up the occasional accident. i haven't been able to justify leaving her alone when i don't have to- even now she is curled up in my lap for one of her regular puppy naps, but the second i move she will wake up lonely. she just wants to be near someone with the warmth of life and the pulse of a heartbeat and quite frankly, i can't blame her. what i would give for

and i wonder if my tear ducts will ever run dry. it's a wild phenomenon that they don't. after months of heartache, it's amazing that there is still enough moisture left to cause sudden downpours of emotion. i wish i could move forward a year to when i no longer feel this. i long for the ability to shut off all pain. it seems though that shutting off pain also requires that one shuts off joy, or rather shuts of the ability to feel anything, and i can't seem to do that. just when i try, eloise will try and stuff her entire hind leg in her mouth at once... damn dog is spoiling my melancholy :)

so that's that. head swirling, heart racing, natural instincts wishing i could just lay in bed 'til all this is done but constant brain activity keeping me from any actual sleep.