frustration with the game

i've been dating every since i was 9 years old and michael villasenor gave me a heart shaped stuffed pillow he won at the elementary school carnival. we went out for approximately two summers and one school year before junior high started and we began to grow apart. that's eighteen years of dating under my belt. one would think i would understand how the game is played by now.

but i don't, precisely because it's a lousy game with few defined rules and in my opinion, even fewer winners.

one things i've learned is that the dating game consists of certain do's and don'ts, which are vital to the success or failure of any budding couple. for instance: do laugh at their jokes but don't let on that you're interested in them; do act confident in who you are but don't expose the parts of you that remain insecure; do let your guard down enough to establish a connection but don't let it down so far that you find you have something to lose. this may sound cynical and jaded to the unexperienced dater, but 18 plus years serve as proof.

there appears to be little or no place in the dating world for honesty. one is expected to meet someone and try to decipher what kind of person they are by spending time with them, but honest conversation about feelings and intentions seem to hold no weight; it's over exposing oneself to express openly how one feels about one another. sure, couples say things like "you're special" and "i love you" and "i wish we could be together forever," but conversations about confusion and questions are left out of the mix. as though it's acceptable to express positive emotion but inappropriate to discuss doubt or frustration. as soon as uncertainty creeps into view, person A feels the sole weight of that burden and decides the relationship is only his or hers to cultivate.

as i've said earlier: i've dated a lot over the last 18 years. there was the elementary school crush that was expelled from school and transferred, the nice high school boy from church that wouldn't take my top off even though he really wanted to, the nice high school boy from church that did take my top off but felt really guilty about it afterwards, the boy from the other side of the world that lived in the moment and felt life intensely, the outdoorsy college boy who couldn't make up his mind, the urban biker that wanted so much to be something he didn't really understand and the sweet musician from work with little experience in real love. from all this, it seems to me that it doesn't matter who the person is, or what their background or general goals in life may be... they are either all capable of dishonesty or all able to change their minds at a moment's notice. it seems that they were either honest in their many and varied pledges of love and devotion, or honest in the uniform way they became disinterested and fled.

i have a theory. i've been mulling it over for a little while now, because it seems to be to be too gender specific and therefore too sexist to be actually true. however, i have yet to encounter something to challenge my theory, so please- correct me if i am wrong. give me stories and examples of why my theory cannot hold true- because i really do hope that i am wrong. but once again, 18 years of experience has shown me otherwise... my theory is this: men in general experience a strong attachment up front and early on in the relationship, while women will remain indifferent for the beginning stages and only become attached after some time and energy has been put into place. my theory began because of this:

i have a pitt bull puppy named eloise. she is now 8 months old and currently joins me in living with my sister and her husband. when we first moved in, nearly 5 months ago, my brother-in-law was over the moon about eloise. he was amazed with her in almost every capacity and couldn't seem to get enough time with her. pets and games were plentiful between the two of them, while my sister kept eloise at an arms length. don't get me wrong, my sister was glad to have us both around, but sarah noticed eloise' less than desirable traits first: how she chewed up prized possessions, or occasionally peed on the carpeting, or how she had loads of energy at all the wrong times. but as time passed, sarah confessed that she loved eloise more and more. she appreciated her significantly more for her affection and general "fun-ness" until those less than desirable traits faded into the background. my brother-in-law however, lessened in excitement as months passed. he began to feel the strain of how much work raising a puppy can be and while he still loves her very much, is also more attuned to the ways in which eloise can be a handful to care for.

this ridiculous analogy rings true with my relationship experience. more often than not, i am indifferent at the onset of a dating relationship. i enjoy myself but i am far from investing much stock in the other person. my previous boyfriends, however, have been like jason and eloise during those beginning stages; they've expressed deep feeling and excitement early on, paying extra special attention and making promises they couldn't keep. i in turn, let my guard down just enough to match where they were at- i allowed myself to get excited and share in the infatuation, only to find myself left behind. he moved on quickly, growing less infatuated by the hour and saying things like "you've changed" or "why aren't you as independent as you once were?" my answer to that question is this: because i didn't give a damn about you before- that independence you were picking up on was actually indifference.

so is there a place in the dating world for honesty? and how long does it take for a relationship to foster it? 2 years didn't seem to cut it for the urban biker, neither did 3 years of letter writing for the heartsick romantic across the world. i'm told marriage offers the level of commitment where honesty is allowed and cultivated, but i've also seen marriages end poorly- minds are changed and people give up trying. what's the difference between telling some one on a park bench somewhere that you're going to love them forever and telling them in a courthouse or in front of family and friends? it seems possible that such honesty is always subject to change depending on mood or situation.

i admit that sometimes i am too honest. i am an over-sharer... i like to discuss things to death to make sure i really understand them. i also have a need to be reminded on a semi-regular basis that i am loved and cared for- this i attribute either to my affectionate parents that told me multiple times a day how special i was, or to the many boy friends that said 'i love you' one day and 'i've changed my mind' the next... or maybe a mixture of both. i think that relationships should be built upon conversation and openness and that if a person can't properly express how they feel to the one person they spend more time and energy on, then what's the point? we fake politeness and aptitude and friendliness all day long with every random person we encounter. if we can't come home from a long day and say 'this is how i feel really' to that someone waiting up for you, then how well do you even know each other?

change brings pimples

it's getting to be that time again. the time when things start to change, when the future looms ahead unknown, when my face breaks out in anxiety. i'm facing yet another move and with it, another set of decisions i cannot seem to make.

for the past four and a half months i have been living with my sister and brother-in-law in their rather small 2 bedroom apartment. they recognized this as an uncertain time in my life and offered me practically free rent for a few months until i was able to get on my own two feet again. they have been wonderful. they have given me a place to stay, helped me raise and care for my puppy, given me family and community when i needed it most... but it's time to move on. this temporary situation has run its course and now it is time for me to be on my own once again.

a lot of me is excited by this move, by the prospect of having my own place. i've never lived alone before- minus the month i spent in minnesota after carl left... so i'm excited to decorate and play loud music and walk around naked. but change also brings introspection for me. i begin to question yet again what it is that i'm doing with my life and what it is that i would like to be doing...?

things i do know:

i want a house. i want an old run down house in some relatively urban area with a fenced in yard and lots of windows and creaky wooden floors and old radiators. i want to be in that house for years and years- whether i own it or not, i'd like it to feel somewhat permanent. i'm tired of moving and thinking about moving and re-establishing a life every few months. i want to dig in the earth and plant some serious roots.

and i want a garden with real crops so i can learn to can vegetables and dry flowers for tea and prune fruit trees and build trellises. there should be chickens wandering the yard, mingling with a tall runner duck or two and someday maybe a milking goat with long ears and a beard. i'd like to conquer my fear of bees by keeping some and gathering their honey.

what's more, i want to share my life with someone. i can survive a lot of things alone out of necessity- but one thing i've learned about myself is that i'm built to go through life in a pair. i work much better as part of a unit and i enjoy my experiences all the more when there's someone there to share them with. i want to garden along side a companion, to stay up late laughing at the tv and share ice cream with, to learn things from and teach things to. i want a partner for my life.

so now that the move is once again upon me, i question... 'where do i begin?' and 'what am i waiting for?' i don't have any financial means for securing a house like the one i described, so i've been making do with renting year to year. but i should really just pick a place and stay, i have trouble deciding where to pick though. places i know i do not want to spend many years would include, the chicago suburbs- where i am located currently, due to their over-homogenization and ridiculous prices; minneapolis- where i was before, due to it's long and grueling winters which causes gardening to be short-lived and biking to be somewhat impossible half the year; downtown chicago- i suppose should be included only because houses are rare in a city of that size and prices again would be astronomical, plus there is very little greenery to be enjoyed that's not fake or human-cultivated.

so that leaves warmer climates to be explored, which directly implies the moving away again from family and old friends.

when should such a drastic change happen? and am i strong enough to make it on my own? how do i know when to stay and invest in relationships already formed and when to go in search of newness?

i should also practice my gardening skills, learn more farming techniques and the art of raising chickens. i should continue to write and maybe take a business class or if nothing else, an auto mechanics class to keep progressing toward future goals. i should spend my days off being productive with my time and my future. i should, but i find it hard to get motivated when future liz seems so far off.

on a completely different note, i've decided that this is not the best time in life to be cultivating a new relationship. there are so many stresses and life pressures weighing in on my every decision, stresses and pressures that unfortunately get transfered to him (and vice versa), causing one of two things... either we live in a dream world where real life decisions don't need to be made and we never actually progress forward in our endeavors, or we put pressure on each other to be more than what we are to one another and jump too quickly into something we may not be ready for in the long run. i've done both those things before- neither way ends well. but what are 20-somethings supposed to do with their love lives then? ignore them until all of life's situations get worked out? or date and hope the other person wants to live life like you do?

what i wouldn't give to be 30 and know a little more about how to do life.

tomato plants

a few springtimes ago, i got all excited about gardening. i was living in downtown chicago at the time with my sister where we shared a two bedroom flat on the third floor of a small apartment building above an even smaller health clinic. our 'back yard' was a tiny wooden deck with these rickety stairs that lead down to a fenced in concrete slab right off the alley. the pink line ran above ground in this part of town and was nearly level with our deck only a few yards off. the city's skyline was just beyond that, sparkling in the sun with lights that gleamed by night.

it was during this very urban period in my life that i decided to start growing my own food. as the ever ambitious person that i am, i picked out fifteen different seed packets from my local hardware store, began collecting large containers to do my growing in, and dreamed about the vast amounts of vegetables i would undoubtably encounter each time i stepped onto my back deck. my bathroom seemed the optimal place to begin growing my seeds in mid-march because the sun shone bright through my large window and it was usually humid from the regular hot showers. i filled my seed planter kit with potting soil and gently planted my fifteen different types of seed, creating holes with the eraser end of a pencil and labeling each section with a popsicle stick. in the weeks that followed i misted the soil using my spray bottle and searched for signs of growth, eager to see my hard work pay off.

i can't express the awe i felt at those first signs of life. every day seemed to bring something new. at first, the soil just looked disrupted, as though tiny ants were crawling around just underneath the top layer. then, something green... something ever so small it was hard to be sure it was really there. another misting and another evenings past and then again there was definitely something green sprouting from the ground. some of the vegetables started as straight and thin as a blade of grass while the tomatoes amongst others looked more like a seed or flower bud hoping to crack open and welcome the morning sun.

each day brought a new sight in that little planter. the sunflowers sprawled and tangled themselves amongst the other seedlings while the broccoli continued to grow taller and taller with their tiny leaflets bending toward the sunny window. i misted and pruned back some stalks each day. i removed the clear plastic lid to allow for minor temperature changes. i ran my hands over the plants, gently petting them to strengthen their stalks and thus prepare them for the hardy chicago winds. weeks past and soon the plants were deserving of larger pots. they were still unable to live outside overnight, but on a nice sunny day they could stand the elements for a few hours at a time. the sunflowers sprouted buds, the beans grew tall and spindly, the tomato stalks thickened and became fuzzy. but i wasn't experienced enough of a gardener for my ambitions. unfortunately, i started with too many seeds. in the space of one square inch, i had nearly twenty broccoli stalks all vying for dominance. i was too cautious to prune back the multitude of invaders; i was too impressed the volume of life that i refused to limit it and in turn the plants grew weak.

so i bought my produce from farmer's markets that summer, marveling at each vegetables size and unique attributes. rather than see my attempt as a complete failure, i have decided to use it as a learning exercise. growing fifteen different plants from seed on my chicago deck was probably out of my reach that summer. moreover, planting twenty seeds- however small they may seem- into a one inch by one inch plot of soil is recipe for disaster. i must learn to trust that within the tiny frame of just one seed lays the potential for hugeness and life and growth and fruit!

i did manage to grow a few of the sunflowers that year and focused my attention of tomatoes during the next. last year i succeeded in multiple tomato plants, some swiss chard, many varieties of peppers, cucumbers, an eggplant, and enough brussel sprouts to feed the neighborhood.

still, the growth of a tomato plant continues to baffle my mind. i can understand through practice that you buy a seed, plant it in rich soil with moisture and sunlight and wait for it to grow. eventually it will grow large enough to begin producing fruit until one day i find myself standing in front of the now shoulder high plant full of deep red, fleshy tomatoes thinking- how did this happen? a tomato seed is so small, it's shell impenetrable, it's shape ordinary. pass one laying on a table somewhere and you wouldn't even notice it's existence. but just think of the life that is packed into such a tiny seed; the promise of summer salads and canned marinara and quick snacks on the way out the door.

spring is approaching once again. gardens are being planned and soon seeds will be sown. i'll be growing tomatoes again this year, excitedly anticipating the whole process. i have a lot to learn from them. i find even just the act of sowing seed and cultivating growth is enough to teach me about myself, about my heart. it's shell is seemingly impenetrable, it's shape ordinary, but there is life and love and promise waiting within, seeking proper care and longing to grow.

solitude and solstice

it seems as though it'll be winter forever. the cold biting wind and the dreary overcast sky that promises more snow seem ever present in my life these days. i can barely remember how it felt to walk barefoot at the park or experience the freedom of a long bike ride on a cool summer's night. i long for the spontaneity and carelessness that warm weather and long days seem to invite, to shed the layers of winter wear and expose my skin to the life-giving rays of sunlight.

i'm reminded by friends and family that winter doesn't last forever. just a few months out of the year does snow cover the ground and ice form in our gutters. strangers i meet in the checkout lane at work tell me it's not all that bad, that winter is bearable so long as we have warm boots and a positive outlook. but my positive outlook has been crippled recently, making it difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the thaw awaiting us come march. i find the frostiness in the air has seeped into my heart while dulling my senses. one cold day merges with another until weeks have passed and last winter seems inseparable from this winter and makes me groan in preparation for the next.

winter is often revered as the season of darkness, where death and isolation are present at every turn. the trees loose their leaves and stand naked, covered in ice and snow. the ground freezes solid, hindering any new growth while silenced by a blanket of snow. to the observer, it seems like life has gone from this place forever.

but winter is also considered to be a season filled with anticipation. we feel this most palpably during the christmas season as we await the holiday festivities, whether that be the long awaited birth of a savior, the time spent with dear friends and family, or simply the childlike desire for gifts and new things. i'm told, however, that the anticipation we feel near the end of december is meant to extend all through january and february, leading us to the rebirth of nature and the promise of new beginnings.

i find it interesting that the onset of winter is so noticeable to me. very early in fall i begin to see the shortening of the daylight hours. every day it seems, the sun is setting one or two minutes earlier, causing my heart to harden just a little- bracing itself against the promised cold. and yet even now, in the middle of january with the winter solstice weeks behind me, i fail to take note of the slow and steady lengthening of daylight.

every year is marked by the orbit of the earth around the sun. and within that year, there is always one day whereby the earth's axis is tilted so severely that here in the northern hemisphere we experience the shortest amount of daylight hours. this day is historically referred to as the winter solstice and celebrates the season of darkness. but just as this day in late december is meant to honor the winter, it also is cause for celebration as it marks the turning point in our year. from this day on, the hours of sunlight increase and rebirth can officially begin.

i find this news comforting for more than one reason. it's comforting to know that even in the midst of cold and frost, life is struggling to revive itself. trees are storing up the energy given by the sun in preparation for new growth; bulbs are waiting under the frozen ground, absorbing nutrients and longing to sprout forth. it's comforting for me to know that even in this dark season of my life, energy is being stored up, nutrients are being absorbed, and new growth is promised in my future. this time of emptiness, of waiting, of longing, is slowly and surely drawing to a close as i await the return of light and rejoice in the extra minute or two of sunshine that today has given.

healing

how is a person supposed to heal oneself when her world has been turned on its head? this is a question i've been asking myself for weeks now and it's a question i should already have the answers to. i don't intend to imply that my life is anything different than yours; i face each day and each situation as it comes. some days are good: filled with blessing and laughter and comforting familiarity, while others quite frankly, are not. i don't pretend to have dealt with anything truly horrible. years of philosophical and anthropological study serve to remind me daily how ordinary and commonplace my life and my experiences are. i am a middle-class, white female raised in the suburbs of america. i have a solid family base and close friends that love and support me. i have never been abused or mistreated. i am well-educated with a good job and a strong sense of self-worth. and yet, bad things happen- routine is interrupted, hope is shattered, trust is broken. my question is how does a person heal herself from the daily blows that weaken her fortitude?

i can't seem to remember how i've managed it in the past when regular old life events come into play and shatter the world i've come to know. i know my strategies for survival include deep hibernation, distraction and avoidance through books, tv and movies, over-working, under and/or over-sleeping, all of these things until the days continue to march past without me noticing their passing. pretty soon, days turn to months and a new life seems to be created. but where exactly does the healing take place? does it have to do with how many days pass, or how successful i've been in distraction? is it possible that none of my tactics are effective and healing occurs somewhere else entirely? are my plights truly universal and therefore i'm just melodramatic to say i feel like my world's been shattered, or has my "survival mode" forced me into some sort of vicious cycle, where i can't manage to grow without first having main tenets of my life stripped away?

as i am currently in the middle of one such cycle, i find myself longing very deeply for the life i've lost. some of it has been taken from me, unable or unwilling to return no matter how i fight for it, while some of it i chose to leave behind out of necessity. still, i can't seem to want anything more than to awake in my own home, surrounded by my own things- my lamp, my coffee pot, my garden... to awake in this life next to the boyfriend i love who smiles and calls me darlin', to ride my bike down familiar streets to the job that's become so mundane it's the only thing i can find to complain about.

but i know this feeling will pass- even if i don't know how or when. it's passed before. i've adapted: i've relied on the fact that i still have plenty in life to appreciate, i've continued to go to sleep each night and awake each morning, to make new friends, date new people, move to new cities and new places and re-establish a partially new life. i know i can do all these things because i've done them before. but i'm tired of needing to. i'm tired of feeling broken, or needing to harden my emotions to the harsher conditions in life. and i'm tired of falling in love again, hoping that maybe this time the someone i choose will continue to choose me back regardless of circumstance.

it's just that i don't know how to survive any other way. i feel like i have to cut away anything surrounding the painful area so that i can manage to move on. is that why you fled? was i apart of painful reminders and are you just that much better at moving on more quickly and more completely than i am? i hate that my head wonders these things and hate even more that my heart's too vulnerable to withstand this.

dog whispering

the day went like this...

work was early, way too early. eloise whined and whined as i left making it even harder to leave. tears in the car on the way to the shop. then, minor chaos as i felt i was single-handedly baking off double the amount of bagels, prepping alone that which usually takes two (sometimes three), helping out up front due to a busy first day of school in edina, and staying an hour later than scheduled thinking over and over how much eloise was in need of a walk.

traffic home was offensive, people cutting in and out and slowing down and seemingly had no regard for my little saturn. rent was dropped off late, construction delayed my home return, eloise had wet her crate and my feet were tired.

the two of us played in the garden, keeping up on one of my many forgotten hobbies. she dug up an onion and was thrilled at it's unexpected spice and oblong shape, causing it to roll this unexpected way and that. on our walk she found herself a dead bird. it was completely consumed before i recognized that feathers are not grass clumps. please don't get sick little girl!

more errand running in the car with a sleepy puppy in tow, and then some good ol' quality couch time just us girls. napping in my lap was nice and comforting. is it bad that i like her best when she's sleepy?

unexpected phone calls change my mood. or rather, long-awaited and significantly too short phone calls change my mood. i decide to tell the only face in the room all about it. eloise stretched out on the couch in a half-sleep, half-awake sort of daze, liz positioning herself nose to nose and vocally recounting her day's experiences. this prompts a little bleary-eyedness, which i soon halt since the dog to whom i'm talking requires yet another romp outside. roommate turned canine in 60 seconds or less.

on the agenda for tonight: put on something upbeat and motivating, mental note to create a 'pump me up mix' for just such occasions. dinner for the pup. cook real food for myself for the first time in weeks, making sure to prepare enough for later when this determination fades. spend some quality time re-organizing my living room, which has been a shambles since half its contents were recently removed.

i realize my own pathetic state but thats how life goes sometimes.

can't get started...

i've been wanting to post for awhile now. i've even sat down at the computer and opened up a new post page just to stare at its blankness. my head and my heart are so jumbled up right now that i just can't seem to make out any coherent thought worthy of the blogosphere. certain things seem too personal to write while others too cliche. how do i come up with something telling of the greater human experience, something relatable, from this bland existence in which i currently reside?

for the first time in my life, i am living alone. the house is quiet 100% of the time, save for the occasional traffic sounds or the muffled cries from the newborn living upstairs. i come home from work and putz around the house realizing how valuable it is to have someone who asks how my day was. i rescued a pitt bull puppy this week and so spend much of my time with her. we play ball and learn basic obedience and take walks and nap on the couch. through all of this i can't stop myself from worrying that i won't be a good owner. my little eloise came to me a blank slate, ready to be taught the ways of obedience, ready to be given a full and fruitful life. what if i mess it up? what if she doesn't get enough exercise, or if she spends too much time alone, or if my training techniques aren't productive? what kind of dog will she be in 5 years? what kind of life will i lead in 5 years? recently i've begun to wonder if she would be better off with someone else... not because of a lack of love and attention on my part, but simply because experience has shown me that if given a choice, people tend to choose someone else.

i have been overwhelmed with life these past few weeks. overwhelmed with giant floods of emotion every 10 minutes, overwhelmed with life's expectations of me- wondering if i can handle it on my own day to day. i wonder often if my finances will hold up, if i'll ever stop chasing my oversights, mistakes, overdrafts and start making headway. i wonder if i'll ever have a time in my life that i can buy something- anything- without planning 3 months in advance, or else without worrying how it fits in my budget.

i wonder when i'll ever have the time and energy again to care about my appearance or social life or basic hygiene. i went a full week last week without a shower simply because i could not find the time. any and all free time was spent with eloise, playing or napping or cleaning up the occasional accident. i haven't been able to justify leaving her alone when i don't have to- even now she is curled up in my lap for one of her regular puppy naps, but the second i move she will wake up lonely. she just wants to be near someone with the warmth of life and the pulse of a heartbeat and quite frankly, i can't blame her. what i would give for

and i wonder if my tear ducts will ever run dry. it's a wild phenomenon that they don't. after months of heartache, it's amazing that there is still enough moisture left to cause sudden downpours of emotion. i wish i could move forward a year to when i no longer feel this. i long for the ability to shut off all pain. it seems though that shutting off pain also requires that one shuts off joy, or rather shuts of the ability to feel anything, and i can't seem to do that. just when i try, eloise will try and stuff her entire hind leg in her mouth at once... damn dog is spoiling my melancholy :)

so that's that. head swirling, heart racing, natural instincts wishing i could just lay in bed 'til all this is done but constant brain activity keeping me from any actual sleep.